I will not go quietly
by ballistics belle
Summary: Horatio knew it was bound to happen sooner or later, but when Raymond is killed while working undercover, will his death cause Horatio to lose more than just a brother?
1. Keep Driving

**Chapter 1**

**Keep Driving**

The day had been so normal.

He had woken up in the arms of his beautiful fiancée, put another murderer behind bars and he had even managed to finish his paperwork. So when the call came in, he couldn't believe it. It couldn't be true.

Horatio had been in his office when the call came in. Hagen talked but the words didn't register. Even after John disconnected, he still couldn't hear anything. He just sat there glaring at the phone like if he glared at it long enough, everything would go back to normal. But deep down in his heart, he knew nothing would ever be 'normal' again.

He wanted to yell. He wanted to scream at God and ask him why? Why why why, did he have to ruin everything?

He'd been to the hospital, but he couldn't stay long. Hospitals drove him crazy and even if she did need him, he couldn't have helped her if he had wanted to. So he returned to the safe haven of his office and fought off the constant burn of tears. A soft knock on the door drove him back to reality.

"Handsome, what happened?" Alexx, it was the only way she could possibly know. She took a few steps in and pushed him again for an answer.

Her eyes screamed of worry and concern… and he had never hated her more for it. What right did she have to be upset? This didn't affect her. Yet, in the back of his mind, he knew better.

It did affect her, because she was the one who would have to deal with his nightmares. She was the one who would take the brunt of his anger when IAB asked too many questions and she was the one who would be there when it all became too much.

"Horatio," Her voice was firm, almost demanding.

"Raymond is dead." The words rumbled in his throat and out of his mouth. Calleigh just stood there with a dumbfounded look on her face. "Did you hear what I said?!" With one clean sweep of his arm, he cleared his desk onto the floor. She jumped back, startled at his violence.

Horatio rested his hands on his desk and hung his head. Anger pulsed through him like an electrical current. He wanted, no; needed to hit something, beat it until it felt as bad as he did. His fist clenched and his jaw tightened. He could hear the soft patter of her feet on the carpet as she approached him.

He wanted her to go, to leave him and not look back because he wasn't sure of what he was going to do but he knew it was something he didn't want her to witness.

She placed her little warm hands on his fists to get him to try and release them. He only clenched harder. When he didn't respond to her touch, she moved her hand to her shoulder.

"Horatio, talk to me." A purely animal instinct snapped inside of him. He reared up to face her as anger turned to rage in his eyes.

"Talk isn't going to bring my brother back." He gritted his teeth as he spoke.

"I know but-" He couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed her wrists and pinned them to her chest as he pulled her close to him.

"Go Cal. Get away from me. You don't know anything about what I'm going through. You can't fix this with a few pretty words and some well placed tears." He didn't realize the force he was using until he heard her whimper and he almost felt bad about it—almost. He then pushed her away from him and walked over to the window that overlooked the city. "Just leave." Calleigh stayed right where she was.

"Don't push me away Horatio. I want to help you. I can't just stand by and watch you self destruct with guilt and pain." Calleigh voice started to crack as she went on. "They need you, Horatio. Especially Ray Jr., he needs you to be there for him more than anyone right now. Ray would want that."

"You don't know Ray."

"No, but I know you." Horatio turned around and stared at her. She walked over to him. The pain etched across his face physically hurt to see. Calleigh reached up and caressed his cheek with her hand. "Let me take you home. You should get some sleep." She tried to take his hand but he pulled away.

"What's the point?" He shrugged and took a step away from her. "No, I need to get out of here, clear my head. I need to be alone." Calleigh took the hint and backed away.

"I'll be at home if you need me." She gave him a sad smile before disappearing down the stairs.

He stayed there, staring out over the city for a few more minutes before finally leaving his office and the lab. He felt ancient as he walked. His legs were heavy and his arms were like concrete blocks at his side.

His hummer waited for him out in the parking lot. He dug his keys out of his pocket and entered the familiar vehicle. The radio played some sad song as he drove around aimlessly and he found it surprisingly fitting for the mood.

_  
And I'm hanging on a memory, and I feel it in the air  
I'm a prisoner of these lonely streets,  
But I know Ill find you there  
And oh lord, you look so pretty,  
But you can see it in my eyes  
And just before my tear will fall, oh you smile and get inside  
It seems so real until the light turns green _

Don't wake me up, don't ruin this dream, don't take me from my scene

Keep driving, keep driving,  
Keep driving, keep driving,  
I cant go home, don't take me home, I cant go home alone

Maybe Calleigh was right. Maybe he did need her, but he couldn't go to her now. Not when he was this fragile. He needed to go somewhere to break, to fall apart and then regain his composure.

The Keys were tempting but he couldn't very well leave Yelena alone to deal with all the arrangement and when she found out where he was, Calleigh would kick his sorry ass back to Miami.

So several hours after leaving CSI, he arrived at his final destination of Ray and his childhood home out in Hialeah. After their mothers' death, they couldn't bring themselves to sell the place. It was where they could run away when they need to and no one, with the exception of Yelena, knew about it.

He didn't even bother turning the lights on, he just headed straight for the well stocked liquor cabinet. A full bottle of scotch stood front and center and he took it without a second thought. In the back of his mind he knew Calleigh would be disappointed that he turned to the bottle instead of her but he just couldn't bring himself to give a damn.

He didn't bother with a glass, just drank straight from the bottle. He sunk down on the couch as the bitter alcohol started to work its magic.

As he took another swallow and let it burn all the way down, he reached down and removed his holster which was digging into his side. He slid the cool metal through his fingers and wondered what it would be like to feel the cold burn at his temple and then sink into blissful sleep. The thought left his mind when he heard Calleigh words echo in his head.

'_They need you, Horatio.'_


	2. Rescue Mission

**Chapter 2**

**Rescue Mission**

Calleigh looked like death warmed over when she came into work the next morning.

She had stayed up all night waiting for Horatio to come home. He never did. She had called him a dozen times, leaving a dozen messages telling him to at least call her back. He never called. By some miracle she hoped that he had spent the night in his office but when she came in this morning, his office was locked and he was no where to be found. Her stomach churned in worry, making her feel as miserable as she looked.

"Girl, you look like you just walked out of one of my coolers." Alexx commented as Calleigh entered the break room.

"I feel like it too." The blonde headed straight to the coffee pot, desperate for the caffeine jolt.

"How's Horatio doing?" Alexx asked carefully.

"When I know, you'll know." Alexx looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "He never came home last night." Calleigh explained as she carried her mug over to the table and sat down across from her friend.

"But you talked to him right?"

"Oh we talked…. If you can call it that." She sipped her coffee. As soon as it hit her stomach, she decided against it and pushed it away.

"He's taking it bad isn't he?" The medical examiner winced.

"Bad doesn't begin to describe it. He's not himself. He's closed off, defensive…mean, even to the extent of being physically violent." Alexx's eyes widened. "I'm fine. He just grabbed my wrists. He'd never hurt me. He's just……unstable right now." At least, she hoped it was just for right now.

"Where's he now?"

"Hell if I know." Calleigh shrugged. "Last night he said he wanted to be alone, to clear his head. I thought he'd drive around for awhile and then come home . I tried calling him but he's not answering. It scares me. I don't know what he's capable of." She sighed, defeated. "I need to find him but I don't even know where to look." Alexx took a long sip of tea before answering.

"Maybe you're looking at it from the wrong perspective. Just do your job." Calleigh looked at the medical examiner as it clicked into place.

"You're a genius Alexx Woods." She jumped out of her seat and hugged her friend before hurrying into the lab.

"It's up to you now honey."

The A/V lab was unoccupied when Calleigh entered and she preferred it that way. People would be asking questions soon enough, she didn't need to speed the process up any.

She tried his cell phone first but it was off, rendering the GPS useless. Not easily discouraged, she tried the low jack on the Hummer. All police vehicles were equipped with them and she knew he'd be close to it, at least she hoped. An address popped up almost immediately.

"Hialeah? What the hell are you doing out there Handsome?" She said to no one in particular as she quickly wrote down the address. On her way out, she ran into Speed.

"Whoa, what's up?" He held her arm as she passed.

"I gotta go. I'll explain later." She removed herself form his grasp.

"What's so important?" He called out after her as she ran off into the waiting elevator.

"Rescue mission." She called back as the elevator doors separated them.

Calleigh rested her head against the back of the car. Adrenaline was pulsing through her giving her a rush better than caffeine. She knew where he was; half the battle was already won.


	3. Home

**Chapter 3**

Horatio reemerged into consciousness around mid morning. The now empty bottle of scotch was still clenched in his now stiff hand. Bright sunlight attacked from every angle and he winced in pain as it hit his eyes.

Moving wasn't an option because he'd either throw up or pass out, though both seemed possible at the moment. From some distant place, a door slammed and footsteps fired off like shotgun blasts.

"Horatio!" Calleigh called out as she entered through the unlocked front door into the old but well maintained house. She walked slowly through the wooden halls and stared in reverie at the pale yellows walls that were covered from floor to ceiling in pictures.

A large one in a solid black frame in the middle of all the others caught her eye. Two handsome boys flanked a beautiful redheaded woman. The taller, older boy shared the same deep blue eyes as the woman while the other boy had darker hair and lighter, less serious eyes. Underneath the picture, in neat, feminine script were four words.

_Emma and her boys_.

Calleigh ran a hand over the glass, trying to etch the image of little Horatio into her memory forever. He looked so innocent and pure that brought tears to her eyes. He was just a baby and yet, she could read in his face that he'd already been through in that short amount of time then most children. Thinking back on her own childhood, she came to realize that they had more in common then she realized. The sound of shattering glass brought her back to the present and she rested her hand on the butt of her gun as she went deeper into the house.

"Horatio, is that you?" She called out again and once again received no response. She unsnapped the holster but did not remove her weapon as she searched from room to room.

A wave of relief washed over her when she found him incapacitated on the couch in the den in the back of the house. A broken liquor bottle lay next to his outstretched hand.

"Oh Handsome." She sighed and shook her head as she approached him. He stared up at her through the slivers of his open eyes. "Hi." She squatted down on her haunches to be face to face with him. She kept her voice cheery. "Hung over aren't ya?" He groaned miserably. She smiled knowingly as he nodded. Patting her thighs, she rose. "Well come on. Let's get you sobered up and cleaned up." He made no attempt to move.

"Either you get up on your own or I kick your ass up." She stated again, her voice not as sweet as before. Slowly, he swung his feet over to the floor and followed orders. Once on his feet, she balanced him against her and together they made their way to the bathroom.

He sat on the toilet seat cover while she started the shower and undressed him. Neither was bashful about his nudity. It was nothing new to them. Once she was sure he was safely settled, she left him and headed to the kitchen to make a brutal pot of coffee.

She was trying really hard to suppress her feelings of anger that had risen to the surface when she found him passed out drunk but it was not an easy battle to fight. Her feelings at first were directed at him. How could he do that to her? He knew her feelings on using alcohol as a bandage.

And then she realized how selfish she was being. Horatio had just lost his brother, his only remaining family. He was weak and broken and had every right to do what he did. Her thoughts then turned on herself. She should have been stronger for him; she should have tried hard to help him deal with his pain so that he wouldn't have to abuse himself this way.

As the coffee pot continued to brew, she looked around in the cabinets to find a mug to pour it into. That's when she stumbled across it. A cabinet filled with some full and some half empty bottles of hard liquor. She clenched her jaw as images of her father flashed before her. Blinking back tears, she pulled the bottles down and poured them all down the sink. There was no way this was going to happen again, that much she was going to make sure of.

She had just poured him a cup when he came stumbling into the kitchen wearing a black bathrobe. His five o'clock shadow was still present but he looked better and his eyes were a little clearer. She set the mug down in front of him as he sat down at the table. He looked at it and then at her.

"You know coffee doesn't sober you up any faster." She shrugged.

"No, but it pisses your stomach off enough that you throw up and then you feel better." She said, speaking from experience. With all the pots of coffee she had made for her father, she could start her own Starbucks.

"I never thought you'd find me here Cal. I really didn't." He took a tentative sip before pushing it away.

"Yeah well, do us both a favor and never do that to me again." She declared as she sat down across from him at the table.

"How did you find me?"

"I'm a detective, Horatio. It's my job to find out where and what people are hiding." She replied, dead serious. "Now it's my turn to ask a question. Why here?" She gestured to their surroundings.

"Ray and I grew up in this house." The sapphire in his eyes turned almost black as a memory tightly gripped his mind. "We shared a bedroom until I was 13… I threw him out of my room because it wasn't cool to share a bedroom with my little brother…. He was 9 and I wanted nothing to do with him. So I moved into the attic. But every time it stormed, Ray would come into my room 'cause he was scared. And I protected him." His voice started to break as he recalled the memory.

Seeing her true love in this kind of pain ripped Calleigh's heart into pieces. Desperately feeling the need to hold him close and comfort him, she stood and took his hand to help him up where she then led him into the living room, which, like the hall, was full of pictures.

They laid down on the couch with Calleigh on top of him as he held on to her for strength. She looked in his eyes again but he was still far away.

"You did the best you could, Horatio."

"Did I? I protected Ray. I cleaned up after him when he made a mistake, I fixed things when he screwed up but I never told my brother that I loved him, that I was proud of him. All I ever did was push him down." Horatio pulled her off of him and disappeared down the hall.

His emotions were running too close to the surface and he just wasn't ready to relinquish that control to her yet.

Calleigh listened to him stormed off and flinched when he slammed the bedroom door.

Tears poured down both of their cheeks as they lay apart, and allowed the pain to slowly surrounding them.


	4. Life Goes On

**Chapter 4**

Calleigh curled up on the couch with a mug of tea. Horatio was asleep down the hall after her attempt at getting him to eat failed miserably. As he sipped the hot liquid slowly, her purse that she had abandoned on the side table began to vibrate as her cell rang.

"Duquesne." Her fatigue carried into her voice.

"It's Alexx. What's the story?" Concern poured through the phone line as she spoke.

"Things aren't going well. He's asleep right now. I don't know how long he'll stay that way. But, things got to get worse before they get better, right?" Calleigh set her cup on the floor and laid down across the couch.

"That's right, girl. You just got to keep support him and keep him from sinking down too low." Alexx reassured. Across the phone line, she heard her friend sniffle. "Oh Cal, what's wrong?"

"I don't know if I can do this, Alexx." Calleigh admitted, trying her hardest to hold back her tears . "If I can't help my father with all of his problems, how can I help Horatio with this?"

"Well, for one thing, you can't do it all by yourself. You two have both got to learn to ask for help when you need it. And it's going to take time. How much time I can't tell you." She could hear the shrug in Alexx's voice. Calleigh wiped at her tears and then took a deep breath.

"I don't know Alexx. I just have this horrible, nagging thought in the back of my mind." She said, through the thump in her throat.

"What is it?"

"He won't survive this." She whispered. Vocalizing her fears just made the weight of them press down on her even further and a sob broke loose from her. Alexx wanted to offer some type of comfort, wanted to tell her not to worry, but she couldn't bring herself to say the words.

"You should get some sleep, Cal. You need to be in good health if you're going to take care of him. We'll talk more later." The two women said their goodbyes and disconnected. Calleigh closed her eyes and let her cry herself into a fitful sleep.

Horatio awoke in a cold sweat. His heart was racing and his breath came in short gasps. The nightmares were already beginning to take hold of him. He threw aside the covers and padded down the hall to the bathroom. After splashing his face with cold water, he headed down the hall to the living when he noticed that the light was already on in the living room.

He entered the room and found his fiancée curled up asleep on the couch. Her face had taken on an angelic quality and he couldn't resist. He needed comfort and- to hold her in his arms, to feel her breathe against him, to know that they were both still alive and real-would feel better than anything.

So he laid down next to her and spooned her against him as he pulled down the afghan down from the back of the couch. She stirred a little at the movement and turned her head to look behind her. She stared at him with sleepy eyes.

"Hey stranger." She smiled and winked. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her close. She settled in against him and gave a content sigh. It was the sweetest sound he could ever want to hear.

br

Calleigh woke up the next morning alone. Panic set in quickly as she searched the small house only to find, he wasn't there. She returned to the living room and sat down on the couch, trying to push back all of the horrible scenarios flashing before her eyes when she spotted the mug of coffee with a note folded underneath it.

Reaching over to the coffee table, she grabbed the mug and the paper and sat back on the couch. The mug was still warm and she could tell by the color of the liquid that Horatio had made it just how she liked it. She sipped it carefully as she unfolded the note and read his bold script.

_Cal,_

_Went for a run. Don't worry; I just needed to clear my head. Be back later. _

_H_

Calmed by the information, Calleigh left the note on the table and headed into the kitchen to make breakfast. The old white tile was cold under her bare feet as she scampered across the room to the antique fridge. The heavy blue door creaked as she pulled the stainless steel handle.

While she would not consider the fridge bare, it certainly was not stocked. Inside, were a couple of beers, a bowl of fresh fruit, fresh squeezed orange juice and a cartoon of eggs. Calleigh shook her head as she took out the latter items. Horatio had been a busy boy this morning.

She smiled to herself as she made breakfast. She had never really noticed before how, in the seven months that she and Horatio had been together, he had picked up on all of her routines and accepted them as his own without a single comment or complaint.

She sighed and shook her head. Horatio took such good care of her and made sure that she never hurt. Well now the tables were turned and it was her turn to take care of him and she swore then and there to be with him through whatever he was going through, whether he wanted her to be there or not.

The gentle clearing of a man's throat hurled Calleigh back to reality. Horatio was standing in the doorway watching her in all her glory. Calleigh looked him over and for a second, she saw him-the real him, standing there with his hair sticking to his temples and his t-shirt clinging to his toned chest.

"Hey stranger." She gave him one of her megawatt smiles that made him weak in the knees.

"Hi ya back." He didn't smile but the tiny twinkle in his eyes told her everything she needed to know. Calleigh turned her attention back to the stove, where she continued to make breakfast.

Horatio sat down at the tiny table and watched her every move. Watching her do something so normal was incredibly comforting to him. It allowed him to believe for a moment that everything was fine, that the last 48 hours had just been some horrible nightmare.

With food in hand, Calleigh came over and joined him at the table. She handed him his plate and his hand lingered on hers longer than necessary.

"Thank you." He muttered as he set his plate down in front of him. She smiled again and watched as he took a bite.

"So I was thinking that after breakfast, we could head back home." She said as she sipped her coffee. Horatio stopped chewing and swallowed hard. God, did he love her, because only she could be so light hearted when talking about sending him to a certain death. "You can't hide here forever, Handsome."

"Yeah, but I can't go back there." Calleigh tilted her head and just looked at him.

"Why?" She asked innocently. Horatio took a deep breath.

"Because I can't bear to look in the eyes of fellow cops and see the doubt, wondering, was Raymond really dirty? Was he a bad cop? To have them look at me and wonder if I had something to do with his death or if I'm just as dirty as he was?" Calleigh reached over and put a finger over his lip as she looked him in the eye.

"You are not a dirty cop." She stated sternly. He turned his head away. She pulled him back to look at her. "You are **not **a dirty cop."

"You said that already." He retorted.

"Because you're not listening to me. Horatio, I don't think you know how respected and admired you really are. No one will ever think that you're a dirty cop unless you plant the thought in their heads." He still looked at her in disbelief. "I know this is hard, but life will go on. The sun will still come up tomorrow, the world is still going to turn, and I am still going to love you." She explained, and then leaned over the table and placed a sweet kiss on his lips to help make her point. Horatio was just about to respond when his phone rang. He looked down at the caller id and then back up at her with scared eyes.

"It's Yelena."

"Answer it." She encouraged. She knew that he didn't want to take this call but he had to talk to her eventually. Horatio swallowed thickly before pressing the talk button.

"Caine." Calleigh had sat back down but kept a firm grip on his hand. The call lasted about ten minutes and he managed to stay composed but just barely.

"What'd she say?" Horatio ran a hand over his tired face.

"Alexx finished the autopsy, so she released the body. The wake's tomorrow… She wants me to help make the last arrangements, so, I guess you got your wish." He informed and then stood and started to leave.

"Hey," He turned around when she called after him. "You want me to come with?" Horatio came back over to her and brushed his hand over her cheek.

"No, I need to do this by myself."


	5. Stand By Your Man

**Chapter 5 **

Yelena was waiting for Horatio when he arrived at her house later that morning. The car was painfully quiet until his sister-in-law's voice penetrated the horrible silence that had consumed the Hummer as they drove to the funeral home.

"IAB questioned me yesterday." Horatio nearly slammed on the breaks.

"What?" He said in completely disbelief. Rick Steler was bottom feeder, but Horatio never thought he'd stoop this low.

"They wanted to know what I knew about what Ray was doing." Horatio gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles. Ray wasn't even cold in the ground yet and IAB was already looking for dirt. He shook his head in disgust. There was going to be hell to pay. "I think they think he is….was dirty."

A sick feeling began to develop in Horatio's stomach. He knew that Ray knew more and did more than he ever led on to, it was only a matter of time before people started to make the connection between the two brothers.

"Why can't they just let him die with honor?" Yelena choked out as her tears began to overwhelm her. "Why do they have to disgrace him when he can't defend himself?" Horatio reached over and took her hand.

"That's where it's up to us to defend for him." Yelena nodded and squeezed his hand, feeling a little bit better as she heard the sincerity in her brother-in-law's voice. "How's Ray Jr. holding up?"

"He's completely heart broken. Ray is…was a hero in his eyes. I want it to stay that way." It was Horatio's turn to nod and squeeze her hand.

"I promise that nothing is going to change Ray Jr.'s perception of his father. I promise"

br

Calleigh had stayed behind after Horatio left to clean the place up a little bit before heading back to their apartment. After showering and redressing in a black sleeveless square neck top and black pant, she headed into work feeling and looking better then when she left.

She knew what was waiting for her in the lab and she needed to process it before the case ran cold. Speed was already at work going over Ray's clothes when she arrived.

"Hey Cal. How's Horatio doing?" He asked as he lifted his head up. She just smiled bravely.

"He's hanging in there." Speed nodded, not pushing for anything more. He could tell by the massive worry lines on her faces that things were worse than she was ever going to let on to anyone else.

Calleigh had just put her gloves on when a knock on the door caused her to turn around. She had expected it to be Horatio or Eric but instead found the devil himself, Rick Steler. The top IAB asshole was standing in the doorway to the trace lab with a frown on his face.

"Calleigh, can I talk to you?" She glanced at Tim, who shrugged and then sighed.

"Sure." Rick gave a quick little smile and then headed off towards the conference room. Calleigh followed, taking her time, know full well what was about to happen. She entered the glass walled room and took a seat at the table. Rick stayed standing.

"Tsk, tsk Calleigh. I thought you would know better than to handle evidence in this case." Calleigh narrowed her eyes as she looked at him.

"I'm a CSI. It's what I do." She replied coldly.

"Not when the case is that of your Lieutenant's dead brother." Calleigh turned away from him and stared straight ahead.

"I had no personal connection with Raymond Caine."

"But you do have a personal connection to his brother, Horatio Caine. In fact, you're his fiancée, isn't that right?" Calleigh stiffened. She and Horatio didn't hide their relationship, but they didn't want it to be used against them when it came to their work.

"Yes, Horatio and I are engaged. But our relationship doesn't cloud my judgment in anyway." She defended. He held up a finger.

"Ah, yes. But it does create a conflict of interest. You have a personal bias. You want Raymond Caine to be clean because your fiancé does, isn't that right?" Calleigh whipped her head around.

"I don't want anything except for his widow and son to have good memories to hang onto that aren't tarnished by your accusations." She snapped. Rick finally came over and sat down in front of her.

"Look Calleigh, I don't want to be the bad guy here, but something has to be done. Someone has to find the truth, and I mean the real truth. Not just what Lt. Caine decides the truth is. Now, I'm here to ask for your help. I need you to help me figure out who Caine was and what he was really up to." Calleigh shook her head.

"You are one cold son of a bitch. You want me to be a mole and rat out Horatio for you. Well, you must be as dumb as you look because I'm not doing it. I love Horatio and I want him to have peace of mind. All you want is someone to blame and I will not let you make Horatio take the fall for this. He's done nothing but be a supportive big brother, so stay away from him, stay away from Yelena and stay the hell away from me." Calleigh stood and walked out of the room, never once looking back to see the pissed expression on the IAB agent's face.


	6. Salt In The Wound

**Chapter 6**

After taking Yelena home, Horatio went to the lab to look for Calleigh. He hadn't seen her since he left his mother's house earlier that morning and now with evening approaching, he was in dire need of her company. He had just stepped off the elevator when he was intercepted.

"Lt. Caine, just he man I've been looking for." Rick stood at the front desk, his arms spread out causally, looking like a vulture waiting for its prey. Horatio proceeded into the lab with extreme caution.

"And to what do I owe the pleasure?" He kept his voice low and some what civil, but it was forced, very forced.

"Unfortunately business brings me here. Why don't we go to your office?" The smug bastard smiled and oh, was Horatio tempted to knock him on his ass, but instead, he smiled and said:

"Lead the way."

Horatio's office sat on the second floor of the lab where he could oversee everything without being in the way, while still be accessible to his people. He shut the door once both had entered and even went so far as to close the blinds. No one needed to witness this.

"I first want to offer my condolences, Horatio. I know how close were to him." Steler said as he settled into one of the chairs in front of the large wooden desk.

"I'm sure you said the same thing to Yelena when you questioned her too." Horatio said as he sank into the large leather chair behind the desk.

"I'm only doing my job, Horatio. I meant no disrespect to Detective Salas." Horatio gave him a loaded stared.

"Just ask your questions and get out of my face." He growled, turning away from him.

"I just need to know how much you knew about what Raymond Caine was involved in." Rick pulled out a notebook and tried to look official.

"You mean do I know if Ray was dirty or not? Well, the answer is no. I don't know because he wasn't. He was doing his job-a job you sent him to do. He was a good cop and I will not have you ruining his name for your own personal satisfaction. Ray did what he did and there's no changing that." Horatio stated simply but sternly.

"It has to piss you off though. You warned Ray over and over about getting too involved, but he didn't' listen. He went right on with the show." Rick's voice bit right into Horatio's heart because he knew it was true.

"Tread very lightly, Sergeant." He warned.

"Is that a threat? Are you scared, Horatio? 'Cause I think you are. You're scared because you don't know what happened. You don't know what happened and you don't know how to fix it. Well guess what? You can't. You can't fix Ray's mistake this time!" Rage swelled up inside of him and he spun around to come face to face with him.

"Shut up." He growled.

"You were just doing what any big brother would do. You tried to protect him, but you couldn't save him. You can save all the innocent victims in the world, but not your baby brother." Rick shook his head sadly. "Ray sure knew how to screw things up, didn't he?" Horatio early temptation overtook him and without any hesitation, he knocked the IAB officer flat on his ass and then walked away.

"You'll pay for that, Caine! I'll make sure of that! Your ass is mine!" Steler stood in the doorway, holding his face and screaming. Calleigh, who was just coming up the stairs looked at him and then at Horatio with wide eyes.

"What's going on here?" He responded by taking her hand and leading her down the stairs.

"Let's just get out of here."

br

"You hit Rick Steler?!" Calleigh paced in the living room while Horatio sat on the couch, icing his hand.

"I can't believe you. You hit one of them and you can kiss your career goodbye and let me tell you, losing your job is the last thing you need right now." She stopped and just stood in front of him. He didn't say anything; he just took her hand and brought her down next to him on the couch.

"I'm sorry, Handsome. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at him. I told him to stay away from you. I wanted to protect you and be the strong one this time but I guess I failed." She snuggled up next to him as he wrapped an arm around her.

"No, Calleigh, I did. I failed a long time ago." Horatio kissed her forehead and then rested his head on hers. "I just want everything to go back to the way it was." He removed the ice pack from his hand and then shifted them into a lying position on the couch.

"You've still got me." She reminded him as she looked into his dark blue eyes. He looked down at her and smiled.

"And I thank God everyday for that."


	7. A Bad Reality

**Chapter 7**

When Ray was nine and Horatio was thirteen, Ray got into a fight with a couple of older boys. When Horatio found them kicking the crap out of his little brother, he pulled them off him and warned them that if another attempt was made to harm little Raymond, there would be a price to pay.

When their mother asked them what happened, Horatio lied convincingly, telling his mother that the other boys started it and that Ray was just protecting himself when he knew the opposite was true. Later, Raymond thanked him and promised not to get in trouble anymore. It would be almost twenty years before Horatio realized just how little that promise really meant.

'_H, I'm in trouble, real trouble.' Ray paced back and forth in front of his desk. _

'_How many times have I told you not to piss off the higher up's. You know one of these days-'_

'_No! Shut up for a second will ya?' Ray ran a shaky hand through his rust colored hair. Tina had him all riled up. 'I'm in deep shit, Horatio. One of the guys I've been pretending to tweak with almost made me.'_

'_Pretending?' Horatio looked at his brother with a questioning stare. _

'_Yes, pretending damn it! I don't do meth! That's why I almost got made. These guys will kill me if they find out I'm a cop.'_

'_If the crank doesn't get to you first.' Horatio looked into the eyes of his baby brother and saw nothing. Tina had already taken him away. _

'_Help me Horatio…Horatio…'_

"Horatio!" His eyes flew open as he awoke with a start. Calleigh was standing over him as he lay on the couch. Once he realized that it was her, his heart began to beat normally again. He rubbed his hand over his face as the cobwebs began to clear. "Bad dream?"

"More like a bad reality…how could you tell?"

"You looked tense." She shrugged as she sat down on the edge next to him. She didn't mention the fact that he had also been talking in his sleep. "Anyways, I have to be in court all day but I promise I'll be done in time for the wake tonight. Will you be alright alone today?" Calleigh chewed on her bottom lip. It was-in Horatio's mind-her worst habit because it tore up her beautiful soft lips.

"Sweetheart, I'm not going to do something crazy. You don't have to baby-sit me. I'll be fine. Don't-" She held up a manicured finger to his lips.

"Don't you dare tell me not to worry about you. As your fiancee, one of my duties is to worry about my man. It even says so in the job description." She gave him a little wink and smile. He smiled despite himself and gave her a kiss.

"Get out of here. You're going to be late." She stood but made no attempt to leave.

"Do you want me to come get you or do you want me to just meet you there?"

"Meet me there. I have to go early with Yelena and Ray Jr.." Calleigh bent down one last time and kissed his cheek.

"Okay, I'll see you later. I'll call you when I'm on my break; otherwise, well you know the drill." After one more quick kiss, Calleigh hurried off leaving Horatio alone with his memories again.

'_Narco approached me today.' Ray casually mentioned as he and Horatio played darts._

'_Oh yeah, what'd they want?' _

'_They want me to do some undercover work for them. Gather intel and stuff.' Horatio lowered his arm and turned towards him. _

'_They want to turn you into a tweeker?' Ray waved him off._

'_Nah, nothing like that. They just need an inside man to lure these guys.' Horatio still looked worried. 'Ah don't fret about it big brother. There's nothing risky about it. If they get busted, I'm totally covered. Besides, this is my chance H, my way to make a difference. I'm not a scientist, I'll never make Lieutenant like you. But if I do this? Man, people are gonna respect me. I'm making my own destiny, just like mom said to.' Horatio set the darts down and then looked at the younger man, _

'_What does Yelena think about this?' _

'_Man, she's totally cool with it. Trust me Horatio, just trust me.'_

He had trusted him. He trusted his instincts. They'd been brought up the same way, so he had no reason not to. But he also knew that Ray was easily influenced. He was always desperate to fit in. He went through a lot of crap for it, but he couldn't change his ways ant that's why Horatio had doubts. He knew the extremes his baby brother would put himself through to reach his ultimate goal.

He only hoped that it was worth it.


	8. Slipping Away

**Chapter 8**

**A/N:**I know its been a really long time since i updated but now that school is done and summer has arrived, i can finally return to the lovely fantasy world that i've created for myself in my head.

The coffin was simple.

The heavy wooden lid was closed tightly. No one needed to see the ghost of what was once a good looking man. Horatio stood off to the side, watching Yelena as she was comforted by the masses of people that came to pay their respects.

He removed the black jacket of the suit that Calleigh had laid out for him before leaving for work. He placed the jacket on the back of a chair and looked up just in time to see a glimpse of gold.

Calleigh stood in the receiving line and he watched her make her way through the line before she finally reached his sister-in-law. She and Yelena spoke for a few minutes before embracing. Calleigh then bent down and talked to Ray Jr. for awhile before making her way over to him.

"Hey handsome." She pulled him into her arms and hugged him tightly.

"I was beginning to worry about you." He said, returning the gesture, thoroughly enjoying how good she felt in his arms.

"Sorry, court ran later than I expected. I got here as soon as I could." She stepped back out of his arms but continued to hold his hands. Horatio used that to lead her over to a couch in the corner of the room.

Calleigh mimicked his earlier action of removing her suit coat and let her hair down, signaling to him that work was over and she was all his. She pulled him close to her and rested her head on his. She gently ran her fingers through his hair and kissed his forehead like a mother would with a child.

"Why are you here, Cal?" He asked as he rested his head on her chest.

"What do you mean?" Her voice was just about a whisper and the southern lull added in was soothing enough to make him sleepy.

"Why are you here, with me, an old man, when you could have any guy you wanted?" She laughed. "What?"

"Well, for one, you are not an old man. And two, I don't want 'any guy', I want you." Horatio looked up at her.

"You didn't answer my question." She sighed.

"I don't know why I'm here and I don't care. All I know is that being here with you, it's like no where I've ever been before and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else." Calleigh answered, holding his face so that he could look in her eyes and see that she meant every word she said.

"Do you love me?"

"Horatio David Caine, I love you so much that it physically hurts." Her voice cracked slightly and that was all of the reassurance that he needed. He switched their positions so that he was holding her and then wrapped his arms around her tightly. She felt so good in his arms that he could almost forget that his brother way lying in the coffin not twenty feet away from them. The rest of the team came by to pay their respects and offer their condolences to Horatio, but it wasn't until the crowd had died away and Yelena came over and sat with them that Horatio finally let go of his fiancée.

He wasn't quiet sure why, but he felt guilty being with Calleigh around his sister-in-law, especially now. The two of them had had a kind of unspoken attraction to one another years ago, before she married Ray and Horatio had always wondered if Ray hadn't entered the picture, if the two of them would have ever acted upon their feelings. Of course, if they had, then he never would have fallen in love with the blonde seated next to him. He sighed and let out a long breath. What if's and might-have-been only served to make things more complicated and give him a headache.

"You okay, handsome?" Calleigh asked when she heard him sigh. She gently ran her fingers through his hair. He pulled away from quickly and she looked at him oddly.

He avoided her stare and instead turned his attention to the other women in their presence.

"How are you holding up, Yelena?" He asked with genuine concern.

"I'm fine, Horatio. Don't worry about me." She responded. Horatio looked at her knowingly.

"Do you really think you can lie to me? I know you're not fine." Yelena sighed.

"Okay, I surrender. I'm about at my breaking point, but I think I can manage to make it through this last little bit." She replied honestly this time.

"Mom, I'm hungry." Ray Jr. stated as he stood at his mother's side.

"I know, sweetie. We'll go in just a little bit." Yelena replied wearily.

"But I'm hungry now." The boy whined.

"Ray, please." His mother pleaded. Calleigh looked over at the two tired souls. They were both close to tears, totally beaten down.

"I can take him, Yelena. It's not a problem." Yelena turned her head to look at the other woman.

"Would you?"

"Sure. Come on Ray, I'll take you to wherever you want to go." She stood and Horatio started to stand too, but Calleigh shook her head and gently pushed him back down. She then took the boy by the hand and led him out of the building. She threw one last look over her shoulder at him and all he could read from her was confusion. Horatio watched the two leave while Yelena watched him.

"Why are you so afraid to love her?" Yelena asked once they were gone.

"I'm not afraid to love her." Horatio responded.

"Then why do you push her away whenever you need her most?"

"I don't-"

"She is an amazing woman with a wonderful heart. And as hard as it was for me to accept, that woman loves you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone, so if you aren't afraid to love her, then what are you afraid of?" Horatio sighed.

"This. I'm afraid of putting her through this. I don't ever want to her to hurt the way you're hurting right now." Yelena leaned forward.

"Let me tell you something I know for sure, Horatio. You're going to die. There will come a day when you are no longer here on earth, at least not in this form and the same goes for her. Now I don't know which one of you is going to go first, but eventually you'll both be gone. You can't live your life being afraid of dying because then you're not really living. You're going through the motions but you're not experiencing anything." Horatio looked up at her. She was right and he knew she was, but he still couldn't push the thoughts out of the back of his mind.

"Come on, I'll take you home." He said as she stood up from the couch. Yelena looked up at him, worried, but she stood as well and followed him out, praying that Horatio had more sense then his brother and realized what a good thing he had.


End file.
